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Well, things didn't go as we had hoped today. Brea was extabated around 3:00 PM but her little heart just cannot yet support her lungs so the doctors decided to intibate her again around 9:00 tonight. During the intibation her heart rate dropped and she had no blood pressure so she received CPR. She is now heavily sedated and resting comfortably. During the time that she was off the ventilator she reached for me to hold her but because she wasn't stable in her breathing I wasn't able to hold her. That broke my heart more than anything.
I've cried more today than I have in a week...first because I saw my baby for the first time in two weeks without a tube down her throat and then because I couldn't hold her and comfort her when she wanted me to. As odd as it may sound, I wanted them to put her back on the ventilator because she was struggling so hard to breathe. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and I now know that today happened because I'm not so sure that before today I wouldn't have hesitated if the call came that the transplant team had a heart for Brea. After seeing her struggle today I now have no doubt that if the call comes I will be ready and I will know that the Lord has provided the heart that He intends for her to have. Danny feels the same way. I think before today he wasn't convinced that she really needed a transplant.
On a positive note, the transplant team told us today that they had a call last night with an offer of a heart for Brea but they declined because it was too far away. Ideally they want a heart to be harvested and transplanted within four hours. Getting a call so soon after being listed means that there are not many patients with a 1A status in Brea's size and age range with a B blood type waiting on a heart. I know that a heart will be available if that is what God has planned for Brea and I know that a heart will not be available if He intends to heal the heart she has. I'm only human and I want her to get better as quickly as possible but adopting from China taught me that the Lords timing is always perfect.
Brooke and Baker got to see Brea today very briefly and they were so excited. It is so nice to have our family together again even if it does mean the kids are at a hotel around the corner with their Godparents and we are here in the hospital with Brea. There is something quite comforting knowing that we are all at least in the same zip code even if it is for only a couple of days.
Thank you for your continued prayers for Brea and our family. I am confident that the Lord has a plan for this beautiful child and his perfect plan for her life will be revealed in His timing. It would be easy to throw a pity party for ourselves but instead we are marching forward with the condifence that He loves her more than we do (as hard as that is to imagine) and His word tells us to put our faith in Him and not in man.
Good night from Little Rock.
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